More Than a Look: Rethinking Modesty

Jennifer Parr (: 00:00

Hey, winning women, we're back. Today, we're going to talk about a conversation that I have seen going around. And this is a topic that really should be addressed more frequently than it is addressed. And that's about the outfit that we put on when we step outside the house, the clothes that we wear that makes us show up in a certain way, the clothes that we put on and we look at ourselves in the mirror. How do we feel? How do we look? Yes, we're going to talk about all that in the form of modesty. Now, I already know that hearing that word

can bring up a lot, not just because of just one outfit, but it's around what is now considered normal, what is now considered modest, what is now considered hot, what is now considered fashionable. We hear all those terms when it comes to women in our dress. And I think we defend it with confidence. And when I think of modesty, modesty before was like showing skin. At least I know growing up, like if I left the house with any part of like my belly showing, my chest or cleavage,

Like that was not considered modest, right? But now I don't even think you have to show skin to break the lines of modesty. And that's gym attire, yoga studio attire. I mean, I play tennis, so tennis skirts are in. mean, all these athletic wear clothing are in that have kind of broken the barriers. And I'm not just talking about women because men wear these clothes too. But since this is the Windy Women podcast,

We're going to talk about this in reference to women. Okay. So that's a lot for us to talk about, but I want to talk about is because it's winning women. think how we dress has a lot about us. think how we dress has a lot about our confidence. And this has nothing to do with the type of clothes you wear, the brands you wear, the type of money that you have. It's actually biblical. So I want to share what I've learned about modesty. And while I am married, I will be speaking from a married perspective, but this is something that I dealt with when I was single. So

If you're single, if you're married, I think as women, this is just a topic that is very relevant. I also want to share with you how culture has quietly reshaped this in a way that we see it as confidence, but it's actually something else. And like I said, I am an active mom. I'm an active woman. I played tennis. I try to go to the gym, even though I don't like going to the gym, but I try. So that means I own a lot of this clothing that even I have been struggling with how to wear, what to wear and what this means as a believer when I wear this type of clothes.

Jennifer Parr (: 02:23

So I want to start with a few questions to ask yourself. And this is because I am all for women and confidence. I have struggled with confidence in my life. And I know that when you find a sense of confidence, whether that is in your skin and how it looks versus how it used to be in your weight loss, where you look at yourself in the mirror and you like what you see versus how you used to feel when you looked at yourself in the mirror. Maybe you've discovered a new sport and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm active again. So now I can wear this type of clothes. A lot of it is wrapped around.

But with all these questions, when you look at yourself and you put that outfit on that is somewhat questionable, is it confidence or is it reassurance? Sometimes we feel like I want to be free to wear what I want to wear. So is it freedom or is it validation? Women have fought so hard to express ourselves in different ways. And so is it self-expression when it comes to what we put on or is it the desire to be seen? The desire to feel chosen or want to be chosen by the opposite sex?

Or do we just need affirmation in work that we've done, whether that's in the gym, whether that's surgery, whatever that is. Sometimes we have these transformations and we want to show it off. Right. So let's talk about how culture has quietly redefined empowerment. And I say quietly because it's something that kind of snuck up. Women have been fighting for empowerment for a long time. We think of freedom, we think of self-expression. And I think on the surface, these are all good things, right? I know I enjoy the freedoms of expressing that I'm a believer.

I enjoy the freedom of expressing that I'm a woman and expressing that confidently. But the question is not whether empowerment is good because I do believe that empowerment is good. The question is how has empowerment been defined or redefined? See, over time, culture begins to link confidence with being more visible. So the more seen that you are, the more empowered you must be. And fashion follows that same shift.

So as our clothing become tighter or shorter or more revealing, eventually that becomes more normalized. Like the other day, I was cleaning around the house and I realized that I needed to go to the grocery store to pick up some groceries for dinner. I was making this pot soup and y'all, just, I never have what I need from the recipe book. Like I have like two things I need, like one more thing. When I was walking up the house, there was a mirror that's right before the door and I just happened to catch a glance at myself.

Jennifer Parr (: 04:45

But it was a side view. It wasn't a front view. And from the side, I could see my beautiful curves that God had given me. Why? Because I had on some tights that I had been working around the house all day. Now, once again, I love my curves. I absolutely love the way God designed me and every curve, every piece of fat, everything that is there, I just love it. But I did notice that what I had on just drew a little bit more attention to it. Now, once again,

I am married. while women may be looking at the cute athletic wear that I had on, really that attention is going to be drawn by the opposite sex by men. And I just had to stop and I asked myself, do I want the opposite sex looking at me in this kind of way? When really all I am trying to do is just to go in and get some groceries. So instead I kept the tights on, but I put a really oversized shirt that covered my bum area. Okay.

I'm sharing that because we cannot continue to hide behind the idea of comfort and label it fashion. We cannot continue to say that I was just in these clothes all day, so I'm wearing it or it's just more comfortable. I want to be comfortable when I go out. I think we have to ask ourselves what's more important. Your comfort versus your character. What you wear, how you speak says a lot about someone and their character. And so I'm a wife. I'm a mom.

Wearing those tights and drawing that kind of attention from the opposite sex because let's be honest, that is who is going to be looking. What does that reveal about my character? Do I want to be seen? Am I representing my husband in an appropriate way? These are just questions that I have to ask myself. So I think about Romans 12 to that says, do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. That scripture specifically reminds us that we are constantly

constantly being shaped by something, whatever that is, right? So whether it's patterns that are fashion patterns, whether that is cultural patterns, it is constantly in our face. And so when Paul writes this in Romans 12, he's speaking to believers. And during this time, these are believers that are living in the middle of a very, very influential culture, which I would say is very similar to the culture we're living in now.

Jennifer Parr (: 07:08

Rome was powerful back then, but Rome was also very sophisticated and they were trend driven. And so that culture shaped how people dress. It shaped how people thought they spoke and how they lived. And so the pressure to blend in was very loud. So when Paul says, do not conform to the pattern of this world, he is not saying that they should withdraw from society or reject or go hide in a hut or go hide in their houses and don't be in the world.

What he's saying is just be aware of what is shaping you. I think of the word conform and that literally means to be molded. It means to be pressed into shape. So Paul is warning that culture has a way of forming us, but not always in a loud way. It's in a quiet way. It's not always by force. I don't think sometimes it's just like in your face, even though sometimes it is, but it's through normalization. It's through normalizing these things. And that's what we see today. We see athletic wear that's being normalized. Like y'all the other day, I cannot believe.

I saw these pants and I just I just decided to go into the store and I was looking for some jeans and I saw these jeans and they were so cute. They were a little bit pricey. But right next to the pair of jeans was a rack of athletic wear and it had tights on it. Y'all, do you know that the athletic wear was more expensive than the jeans? I was blown away. I already could not even bring myself to paying that much for those jeans. But to pay that much for tights, I was like I turned around and looked at Alan and I thought

Is this normal? Like, am I that out of the loop that tights cost more than jeans? Like, these tights were over a hundred US dollars. That was insane. Insane to me. So do not conform to the patterns of the world, no matter how normalized it is. Paul is making it clear that following Jesus as a Christ follower is not just about what we believe on the inside or like what makes us happy or what makes us feel good or body positivity.

But it's really because believers, are not supposed to conform to the world. We're supposed to look different than the world. That is what makes us believers is to leave our old ways, to die to the flesh and to be set apart. There have been some pictures that I've seen going around social media and they're controversial because, you know, it's about a pastor or his wife or it's about a public figure and how his wife is dressing. And when I look in the comments section, a lot of times I can tell a lot.

Jennifer Parr (: 09:30

about where someone is on their faith journey based on how they respond to controversial posts like that. When I see responses that are like, she should be able to wear whatever she wants to wear, I'm just like, ooh. Now, once again, I expect that from a non-believer. I expect that from someone who has not been transformed by the word. I expect that from someone who is living a little bit more warly. And I expect that from someone who's even still growing in their faith. But...

As you grow in your faith and you start to lean into the promptings of the Holy Spirit or what the word says, how can you say she should be free to dress however she wants to dress if it makes her happy, if it makes her feel good? Because being a believer is not about what makes you feel good. I love this verse in 1st Timothy 2,9 because Paul says, also want women to dress modestly. He uses that word in certain translations with decency. says they should dress with propriety adorning themselves.

Not with the elaborate hairstyles, not with gold, not with pearls, not with expensive clothes, but with good deeds that are appropriate for women who profess to worship God. is speaking to women in this culture and he's saying that don't let your outward display become the primary way you define yourself. So as a believer, if you are wanting to dress more modest, then it's going to be asking yourself a different set of questions than culture does. Instead of asking, does this show enough? Then I think if you're

trying to be just a little bit more modest, which I think modest is hottest, then I would ask myself, does this reflect who I am as a believer? Instead of asking, well, will this get more attention, or you're perhaps trying to show more attention, then I think if you're aiming to be more modest, you just say, well, what kind of attention does this invite? When I was stepping out the house in my tights, like I knew the type of attention that that would invite.

Like I said, it was not going to be from women. It would be from men. Now, when it comes to clothing that fits a little bit more clingy, it might look like saving certain styles for certain settings. Like if I have my girlfriends over and we're all just casual, then yeah, I'll throw on those tights. No big deal. I'll throw on some tights any day for my husband. I think it just looks like recognizing that because something is trendy doesn't mean that it's wise and it's wise for every space. I mean, I play tennis.

Jennifer Parr (: 11:47

And so clearly a tennis skirt is appropriate for the tennis court. And when it comes to tennis, I mean, I'm already showing my legs, which I don't have a problem with, but I'm not going to also show cleavage on my shirt. Like I just try to be modest in the areas that I can cover up. And like I said, I'm just sharing this because once again, in our minds, we naturally will try to find exceptions for this rule. And I just want you to think that the goal is not to hide your body, but the goal is to honor it.

And so for that athletic where I really, really, really, really want you to ask yourself, am I choosing comfort or am I choosing visibility in social media or your online presence? I want you to ask yourself before posting like, what am I hoping this image gives me? Is it connection? Is it encouragement? Is it affirmation? I mean, we're learning the algorithm. The algorithm loves things that are not modest. It gets you more likes. It gets you more views. It gets you more clicks, more engagement. There's a trend where you see relationships and something happens and they break up.

And then it shows like he left her for her. And so the girl he left, she looks beautiful. She's showing all kinds of skin. She's just got all these fillers, these injections, these enhancements, his surgery. And then like the woman that he actually married looks the complete opposite. And I think it's still beautiful. She's covered up. And when I say covered up, I'm sure her man sees her, but she's just not showing it all for the world. And that's the woman that he chose to marry now.

Why that is, I think that's a conversation that I can unpack in so many episodes, but it leads to why I do think that men, good men, men of God, really desire to marry women that are modest. He'll sleep with the woman that's not modest. He'll play around with her heart. He'll play around with her emotions. But the woman that he actually marries often has that, but has that for him.

and doesn't show it off to the world. so, desirability, the need to be desired is not about what catches someone's eye. It's about what holds their attention. Ladies, remember that. You can catch someone's eye easily, but to hold their attention, to hold it long enough for them to commit to you, to marry you, to stay committed to you, has nothing to do with what you wear.

Jennifer Parr (: 14:13

Modesty actually requires depth. invites curiosity. It signals that there is more beneath the surface, way more, that's worth discovering. And men are hunters. Men love to discover. They love to hunt. So clearly I'm talking to single women now, but if you are single, just know that if you are looking for marriage, if you're looking for a man who wants to keep you, not just sleep with you,

then give him something to hunch for. This is why the Bible talks about saving yourself, preserving yourself. It invites a different level of attractiveness that is not worldly. So if you're dating, right, modesty communicates discernment. It actually says that you value yourself more to be intentional with what you share or who you share it with. And so the women who make themselves readily available, readily accessible, then

there is very little left to pursue. So to be modest doesn't mean you're not attractive. It just refines it in a different way. Now for the women that are married, think in marriage, modesty shouldn't really compete with intimacy. It should protect it. When a woman does not give every version of herself to the public, it preserves something sacred for her husband. Your husband's attention is way more important than the attention that you receive online. I believe there's power in reserving your vulnerability, your affection, and

your physical expression for the covenant that God designed. He designed that to be explored freely in marriage. And so being modest, if you're married, I think it communicates honor. It says that I value myself, but I also value us. I value our covenant. I value my husband. When I go out and I see married women, no matter what setting they're in, whether they're at the gym or they're on the tennis court or they're out with their girls,

How they dress does speak about how they value their marriage. When I'm with my husband, like, I'll show a little bit more because yeah, like that's my husband. But when I'm not with him, I'm not really trying to invite that kind of attention out. So if we're on a beach lounging out, yeah, I'll have a nice bathing suit on, but I still won't be in a thong bikini. I'll save that for the bedroom. So if you're a woman in everyday interactions, whether you're married or you're single, I think that modesty helps shape how people treat you.

Jennifer Parr (: 16:40

whether that's at work, your friendships, or in your community. When a woman does not rely on her parents to command attention, I think people engage with her in a different way. Conversations go deeper because their dots surface. People care more about what you say and the depth of your relationships and your conversations versus what you have on. All right, so as we kind of wrap up, here are a few things that I think that women should just stop doing. Like, just stop. Just stop, okay?

We have to stop confusing attention with affirmation. Remember, not all attention is healthy. Being noticed doesn't mean that you're more valued. The second thing is to stop letting trends decide your boundaries. Do not conform to the patterns of the world. Trends change. You could conform to that pattern and then it's going to change. So just don't do it. Just because something is normalized, it's popular, it's trendy does not mean that it's wise and it's not wise for every setting, every season or even what God has called you.

to be. Alright, another thing that I want women to stop doing is just stop assuming that modesty means insecurity. Like, let's praise the women who's covered up. Let's praise the women who step out of the house and they are not showing everything. Let's compliment women who make themselves desirable through the way they speak, through the depth of their relationships, to how their kids are raised, to how their marriage is versus how they look. Let's celebrate those things and not assume that, she's insecure.

Let's celebrate the woman that is not stepping out the house with seven layers of makeup on. She doesn't need makeup to define or make her beautiful. Let's celebrate those things. And the final thing is that I want women to stop performing empowerment. Empowerment was never meant to be this loud, exhausting, constantly visible outward expression of confidence based on the way that you dress.

I also want to encourage you ladies to be intentional with your athletic wear that you wear. Like athletic wear has a purpose, so the designers are intentional with how they make it. Let's be intentional with how we wear it. When wearing it beyond the gym, just consider adding layers or choosing styles that communicate your character versus you just trying to be comfortable. And then for those of us who love to post online, just curate your social media content with purpose.

Jennifer Parr (: 19:00

Before posting, ask yourself what the purpose of that post is, and then let your content represent values and not just the trends. Women, also want you to just anchor your confidence and your identity in who you are in Christ, not the feedback that you get, not the affirmations that you get, not the validations that you get. Anchor it in scripture, anchor it in who God says that you are.

And then finally, I want you to invite God into everyday decisions. And that means the decisions of what you're going to wear. Sometimes we invite God into the decisions of what we're going to wear for church because we're trying to cover up. you know what? Invite him into the decision of what you're going to wear to dinner, even what you're going to wear to the gym, even what you're going to wear to pick up the kids or go out on that day. Just invite him into those decisions. I don't think you have to separate your faith from your daily life. You can ask God for guidance, not just in the big decisions, but in the small ones.

And sometimes I don't even know if you have to ask him, he'll prompt you through the Holy Spirit. Like you'll feel that nudge like, is this too tight? Is this showing too much? And so as we close and you go about your week, remember that modesty is a reflection of your heart. It says a lot about your marriage, yourself, your relationship. I also think that true beauty is rooted in character, not in what you wear. All right, so let's pray so that these truths that we learned today can really sink in and start to shape your decisions in a different way.

Father God, thank you for the way that you see us. You see us fully, see us lovingly, and you see us completely. We ask, Lord, that you renew our minds where culture has shaped us more than we realize. Help us to recognize where we have confused attention with affirmation or you confuse visibility with value. Lord, I pray that you help teach us to sermon. Help us to honor you with our bodies, our choices, and our intentions. Give us confidence that is rooted

and beauty that flows from our character. Give us freedom Lord that comes from alignment but alignment in your word, in your truth. Father we thank you for this truth that you have shared with us today Lord through your word and help us Lord to stay rooted in it and not what culture has defined for us. Jesus name we pray, amen.

Jennifer Parr (: 21:12

Alright, so pay attention to what influences your choices. Remember to invite God into everyday decisions and just practice the sermon. You don't have to compete with that woman or who you see online.

And just give yourself grace to grow. It's okay if you have tides. It's okay if you have messed up in this area. It's totally fine. We serve a loving God and as we grow, we change. So thanks for sitting through this conversation. That's a courage. If this episode challenged you or it may have even encouraged you or maybe you know someone who is struggling with their identity and has used the way they dress to define their worth, to find their confidence and share this episode with them.

or share it with a woman, your daughter, your granddaughter, a friend, whoever it is, it just may need to redefine what beauty is. All right, friends, go win this week and make God proud. Bye for now.