The "S Word" That Changed My Marriage

Jennifer Parr (: 00:00

Hey friends, welcome back. Wow, it's been such a busy season. I'm so glad that you're tuning in to all of the episodes and this weekend was actually really exciting. A few days ago, Alan and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. It's been 10 years of growing, 10 years of learning, praying, laughing, disagreeing, but coming back together over and over and over again. When you get married, do become one. Clearly I was aware of that, but together and coming back together over and over and over again.

even in the midst of adversity, in the midst of disagreements, is something that I believe has helped our marriage thrive. But like many women, maybe even you, you may have grown up with certain messages about what it truly means to come together as one in marriage. That means surrendering a lot, it means sacrificing a lot, and it also is the other S-word, which is not talked about a lot, but it's submitting. It's submitting a lot.

Many of you may have grown up hearing messages about submission or even currently you hear messages about what that looks like. Maybe you've heard that being a good wife means being quiet. Being a good wife means getting smaller, fading into the background. But let me tell you, that is a lie. That is not what biblical submission is and it's definitely not what God designed. All right, so we're going to dive in. I'm just going to share a little bit about myself because I think one of the reasons that submission

is hard to grasp is because a lot of women, including myself, came from a background or adopted the mindset of being an independent woman. Miss independent, you know it. You've seen the messages, you've adopted the messages. That was the message that I want to say at least over the past 10, 15 years has been so prominent for women of encouraging, independency, encouraging women to do it all.

And yes, women, we do. I mean, it's okay to be independent. It's okay to not be dependent on a man. I was, and there's a part of me that still is. But being independent or having that mindset of Miss Independent, don't need anybody is actually what kept me single for a very long time. Failed relationships after failed relationships just helped me adopt that message even harder. It gave me...

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power. It gave me something to believe in that helped me feel good about not needing a man. So I'm just going to put that out there so you understand that I was Miss Independent and you may have that mindset as well. But when I got married, it didn't just turn off as easy as I thought it would. I realized that having this mindset of being independent and not wanting to rely on anyone actually transferred into my marriage and then it transferred into motherhood and slowly seeped into other areas of my life.

So when our first child was born, I was a new mom and I was just trying to do it all. I didn't realize why I was trying to do it all. I just felt like in order to be a good mom, I had to do it all. I don't need anyone. I don't even need anyone to help me with the baby. Wrong. That was so wrong. I drowned as a new mom. And then our son came just 15, 16 months after our first was born. And that was when I realized that

Having this mindset of being independent, not needing anyone was actually hurting me and not helping me. I remember my mother-in-law, she was so sweet, she was so graceful, she would always ask to come over and help, but I wouldn't be as open because, I don't know, maybe the house wasn't clean or the dishes weren't done or I didn't want her to see my boob while I was breastfeeding. Like, I know that sounds silly, but those are just little things that I didn't realize that I was just holding on to. I've got this, I don't need anybody. And it actually put a wall up between people who were just trying to help.

In marriage, it showed up in areas where I would ask Alan to do something or ask for help around the house with something that maybe required some physical labor that was harder than what I would want to put into. And if he didn't get it done, I would just be like, you know what, I'm going to do it myself. Or I remember one time I'd asked him to put a drawer together and it was taking so long, not for him to put it together, but just taking so long for him to get around to do it. So I told him, said, I'm just going to hire someone to come and do it.

And I remember him saying, babe, that is so disrespectful. And I'm like, what? And he said, you're going to hire another man to come to this house to put a dresser together that I've already told you that I'm going to do. But because he wasn't doing it in the timeframe that I wanted him to do it, I just took matters into my own hands. Once again, it's not like I was trying to be Miss Independent, but that mindset that I had even from being single now transferred into marriage to where if he wouldn't get things done in the timeline that I wanted him to do it.

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I would just take charge and do it myself. So those are just a few examples of how this mindset you may even still have if you're married and you don't realize it. Or if you're single, you may wonder, am I pushing guys away by having this mindset? I promise you, if you're single listening to this and you have this mindset, it is a big, big, big, big, big turnoff for a man because if you are walking around that you don't need a man,

Men are not going to be attracted to you, but I will save that for another conversation. I will save that for another podcast. So I'm sharing that so you understand that there is a correlation of women who struggle with submission and a lot of that it's letting go of that independent mindset that you have or had at one point. But a part of that is not your fault because there are a lot of lies about submission. There are a lot of misunderstandings that society has portrayed about what submission looks like. And I want to address those because

It's important to know what submission is not. So when submission requires disobedience from God, you are not obligated to submit to a man. That means if a man, your husband, or a leader, anyone who asks a woman to do something that violates God's word, your first allegiance is to God. You must obey God before a man. It's not just women submit and that's it. It's actually about order under God's authority. So for example, if your husband tells you to lie,

or he tells you to cheat or to compromise your faith. You're not called to submit to that. If your husband says, hey, I want to do a threesome. I know that's a wild example, but I'm just sharing these so that you understand that if submission requires disobedience from God, then you are not obligated to submit to that. That's one of the first lies about submission. Another example of when a woman is not obligated to submit to a man is that's when submission becomes a cover up for abuse or for control. Listen, God never calls women

to remain in environments of abuse. You will not find that anywhere in the Bible. That is a lie from the pit of hell. Whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual, spiritual, any of that, submission in scripture is actually rooted in love. It's rooted in humility. It's rooted in mutual honor, not fear or manipulation. Ephesians 5 25 is a verse that commands husbands to love their wives. And this is a verse that people often use about submission.

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But it commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and how he gave himself up for her, for the church. So any leadership that harms, any leadership that controls, isolates, or even degrades a woman is not godly leadership. Submission should never, never be used as silence under sin. I'm really passionate about that because that is an area that I think is often weaponized when it comes to submission.

And so if you're a woman that is listening to this, please know that when submission becomes a cover up for abuse and control, that does not mean that you have to remain in that. Please get help. Please reach out. Please seek counseling, but you do not have to remain in a relationship that is abusive. Okay. So I think another area that I want to address about submission and it being a lie is when it's applied outside of biblical context. So we just read 525, which

commands husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. But if you go a few verses before that, Ephesians 5 22 calls wives to submit to their husbands. This is the verse that everybody throws around. And yes, while it calls wives to submit to their own husbands, it doesn't call you to submit to all men. So submission is relational. It's covenantal. It's not a blanket rule that men in general have authority over women. You don't have to submit to

a guy that you're dating, don't have to submit in this type of way to like your boss. It is important to understand that submission is for husbands and wives in the context of marriage. So women are not called to submit to male coworkers. They're not called to submit to friends, to leaders simply just because they're men. Respect. Now, should you respect men? Yes. Should you respect people in general? Absolutely.

But once again, women, are not called to submit to male coworkers, friends, leaders, or just anyone just because they are a man. Unless it is a specific authority structure, like for example, your workplace has a structure that you do respect your boss and that requires some level of submission or church leadership where you're submitted to a leader, but even that still operates in a specific type of order. So yes, biblical submission is

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Godly order and it should only be applied within the biblical context, which is in marital relationships. My mom and dad have been married 45 years and they have such a loving relationship and growing up, we never saw them fight. We never really saw them argue. We grew up in a very, very, very loving home and I grew up watching my mom respect my father. But this topic of submission and what it actually looks like, she never talked about and it wasn't even something that she celebrated submitting to my father.

If anything, I would say I observed her having a lot of tension around it. And I think that a lot of women who grew up in this era of just being a strong woman, being independent, wrestle with this tension, this tension between submission and strength. I really wrestle with the messages that society puts about it. And then it starts having me second guess what marriage looks like. So we didn't get to 10 years of marriage without me submitting. I will say that I respectfully submit to my husband.

And so one of the ways that submission has strengthened my marriage is actually released me from the burden of doing everything. In the beginning of our marriage, I really struggled with asking Alan for help. Sometimes I still do, but I've gotten so much better at that over the past like five years. But the first five years of marriage, if I needed help with something, I would first try to do it myself. And then when I instantly failed, I would reach out to ask Alan for help instead of inviting him in on the front end or instead of inviting him in to that challenge.

before I got to that breaking point. There was something about asking him for help that still made me feel weak. He wouldn't make me feel weak, but I think it's this mindset that I brought in about just independence and women being strong and doing things for themselves that I felt like I had to do. So by the time I asked him for help, I was like at the edge of the cliff. And if he said no, my goodness, I would want to just jump off. Like I would be so mad because I let myself get to that point of exhaustion before I reached out for help.

And so submission has strengthened my marriage once I let that go. See this independent mindset was a survival skill for me. And I'm sure a lot of you, you're strong, you're self-sufficient, you're capable, not because you want to be, but because you had to. We're used to paying the bills by ourselves. We're used to running our home. We're used to problem solving. We're used to leading ourselves and leading others very well. I still love leading people and I think that is a skill that I have. However,

Jennifer Parr (: 11:44

However, I have to be careful not to put my husband in that same category. So shifting into shared decision-making is what has helped my marriage. Inviting him into problem solving, inviting him into situations, inviting him into decision-making has helped release that burden and healthy submit to what God has for us, not just what I want for myself. Another way that submission has strengthened my marriage is that submitting has actually strengthened my husband's leadership.

which as a result strengthens my life, strengthens our family lives. I'm going to read Proverbs 31. You will hear lot of characteristics as I read this, but I want you to pay attention to the characteristics and what you hear about her husband. Okay, Proverbs 31. A wife of noble character who can find. She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She's like the merchant ships bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night. She provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it. Out of her earnings, she plants a vineyard. She sets her work vigorously. Her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not glow out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed. She is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments, she sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her. Many women do noble things, but she surpasses them all.

Jennifer Parr (: 14:11

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. That is the Proverbs 31 woman. Now, how many times did you hear about the husband? Probably about two or three times. The rest of the scripture was about her, but those verses about her husband, let's quickly unpack those. So Proverbs 31, I think it was verse 11 says that her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. What does this show? This shows that her character brings

him security and confidence. He trusts her completely, not because she was passive. He doesn't trust her because she was quiet, but because she's wise, she's dependable, she's consistent. Her strength adds stability to his life. This kind of trust does not just come from dominance or control. I think it comes from just godly influence that brings good and not harm. So her husband is blessed because of these qualities that she has. Submission to him

makes him a better leader and it blesses him. Also in verse 23 it says her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. When I read this I'm like he is respected in the community I love that my husband is respected in our home and he's respected in the community. Now you all know what we do we have a YouTube channel called The Beat and sometimes he's not respected in the comments but that's okay.

I don't see anywhere in Proverbs 31 where it says he has to be respected in the comment section of videos or on social media. No, it says her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes a seat among the elders of the land. The elders of the land were the leaders back in the day. So what does this show? This shows that her influence, the wife, extends beyond her own. And so women, this concept of togetherness and submission elevates the life of your husband. So when I honor the role that God gave my husband,

It actually empowers him to rise and step into responsibility. The full circle in this is that a strong man creates a stronger marriage, which creates a stronger life for you as a woman who is submitted to that. And if you're a woman listening to this and you grew up watching irresponsibility in men or passive man, or even overly domineering men, it's hard to be excited to want to submit to that if you see similar characteristics in your husband. But remember, husbands have a calling of their own.

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Ephesians 5 doesn't just say wife submit and it stops there. It says that husbands are called to love your wife like Christ does. Your husband is called to sacrifice for you. He's called to even die to himself every day as believers were called to die to ourself. That alone is hard. Your husband is called to nourish, to cherish. He's called to lead with humility. These are all characteristics that your husband is called to display and to love you as his wife like Christ loved the church.

And if your husband is growing in this area of leadership, I encourage you to speak to the man that you know he's capable of being. If you label your husband a narcissist, then you're going to speak to him in that kind of way. So affirm his leadership with phrases that remind him that you see and respect his role, even when you may not fully agree or understand where God has him. Affirming your man in his leadership, even when he's still growing at it, can do so much for his self-confidence and do so much for you both as a couple.

a few phrases that over the years I have started to share with Alan instead of how I used to talk to him or like, hey, babe, I trust your judgment on this. Or I'll say things like, I believe you're hearing from God and I'll follow your lead. Now, that is hard sometimes because I feel like I hear from God too, right? So it can create that tension. I've even said words like, I know this decision isn't easy, but I'm with you. You know what, babe, you've got my support.

Even if this takes time or I'm praying for you, I'm praying for you as you lead us through this, because that tells him I trust your leadership, even though you may not agree with it, but you trust it and you're submitting it to God, praying to God to help him as he leads you through this. Those words mean so much to your husband. And finally, I believe God is leading us through this. I use that a lot because when we've gone through some challenging times, when we've

When we've addressed topics online and we feel like the whole world is after us, there's nothing more the enemy wants than to pull couples apart. And I just simply went to Allen and said, babe, I believe God is leading us through this. You'll be amazed at how those phrases alone, and there's so much more, but it is speaking to him in his role as a leader. And I know this can be hard even when you don't fully agree, but you are showing that you trust his leadership and you're surrendering and submitting it really to God.

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And this leads me to another way that I think submission has strengthened our marriage and that is submission has actually strengthened our home by creating peace instead of power struggles. Alan and I had a lot of power struggles in the beginning of our marriage. And that is because I came into this mindset of I'm a boss bait. He was a high school math teacher and I was working in corporate. So I was making a lot more money than he was, but I'm just sharing that sometimes there were power struggles when it came to money.

Our home held so much tension in it whenever we would have these power struggles and our kids felt it. Anyone that was in our home would feel it. But now I can honestly say that our home is a space of emotional safety. Our home is also now consistent in just direction. Like the kids know that I can't come and ask mommy for something and mommy says no. And then I'll go up and I'll ask daddy something and he says yes. When we went on the same page, you would have these power struggles.

And then I would get upset at Alan because I'm like, why did you say yes to that? I just told the kids no. But now the kids understand the piece and the dynamics of how order works in our home. If mommy says no, that means no. Don't ask daddy the same thing. If daddy says no, that means no. Don't ask mommy the same thing because we're a unit. We are a unit. But before we got to this space, our kids played us so well. I mean, they figured it out. They knew how to get what they wanted to get because

we had power struggles and we were still working out who was the final decision maker. I mean, there's nothing that I purchase that is big without Alan being on the same page with it. If I want to do something and he doesn't, then we're not going to do it. He is a final decision maker. When I felt like we needed to move, I went and I presented something to him and he was like, okay, let's do it. And if I ever feel like, hey, we need to move again, I wouldn't just up and leave and be like, well, we got to start looking for homes. Nope.

It would be something that we would have to decide together. And when he is on board for it, then we'll make that decision. So he respects what I bring to him, but I respect him enough to not move forward with anything major without him being on board. That's what healthy submission is. And that is how it has brought so much peace in our home because it's eliminated that power struggle. And then finally, submission has strengthened our marriage because it has really helped my faith grow.

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I want to lay my problems at the feet of Jesus and surrender it to him because only he can carry it. And my prayers have changed too. Instead of saying, change him, I've just learned to pray to say, God, lead him. Instead of me saying, God, change him, I've learned to say, God, strengthen him. Instead of me saying, God, make him stop this, I have learned to say, God, give me patience as you work in him. I love my husband so much. And the more that I've grown in Christ,

And the more that I've surrendered to Christ, the easier it has been to be able to submit to Him. Submission grows your prayer life. It pushes you closer to God. It pushes you on your hands and knees instead of your opinions. It stretches your faith and puts you in a position that when you can't control the result, that's where you lean on God. That's where your faith grows. Proverbs 3, 5, 6 says, trust in the Lord with all, not half, not one fourth, not a quarter.

but trust in Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. And so as we close, just want to pray for you because I know this topic may be hard and your marriage may be struggling right now. And this won't be the last time that we talk about this conversation. I'm so glad, friend, that you tuned in today, at least to start the conversation. And so let's pray. Father, we come before you honestly today. You know our strength and you know the reasons why we learned to stand on our own.

the people who have disappointed us, even though all those experiences that have taught us to protect ourselves, especially as women, to put up a wall. Do you understand why, Lord, this topic, this word just feels very confusing and sometimes even scary? You are God who protects us. You are God who restores us and loves us so, so deeply. And Father, I want to pray for the husbands as they leave their homes. Help them lead with humility. Help them lead with sacrifice. Help them lead with tenderness.

and strengthen us Lord to respond to them with grace, with respect and confidence. Lord, I pray for my sister that is listening to this and give her the courage for those small steps. The courage to soften without losing strength, the courage to listen without fear, and the courage to release control without feeling unsafe. Father, keep her so close to you, guide her and remind her that she is loved, she is held and she is covered by you and you only.

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In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Thank you again for diving into this topic with me.

As I reflected over the weekend and just 10 years of marriage, I wanted to share this with you because I know that there's a lot of women who struggle with submission marriage, but it has truly blessed mine and it hasn't always been easy, but working through some of the points that I shared today has truly helped my marriage thrive. And so I pray that it blesses you. Maybe you start with just one point and go from there, but trust God to guide you through this and don't forget to continue to pray for your spouse.

Go win this week and make God proud. Bye for now.