Breaking Free: The Journey from Control to Surrender

(Jennifer Parr )

Here's a headline for you. Women like to be in control.

I know that is not the best way to start off a podcast episode, but I do think it's the perfect introduction to what we will be talking about today. whether it's organizing every little detail of our lives, or making sure everything goes just right, or feeling like we need to have the final say, which still seems to be wrapped up in this idea that we, as women, just want to be in control.

And while, control is something that we hold on to tightly, have you ever thought that this desire or this need to be in control, to control things is actually what may be keeping you stuck? Whether that is keeping you stuck from experiencing growth in your marriage, keeping you stuck from God growing you as a woman, keeping you stuck in a season of singleness, just stuck in unhealthy friendships or relationships,

or even keeping those around you like your children stuck and unable to flourish and grow. innate desire to control, but control has its roots and it's rooted in fear, insecurity, and self-reliance.

Woo, now that's something you won't see on a magazine cover because I think the world celebrates women being in charge. this is an area that I want to give you freedom in today. And so we will be discussing releasing control as a path to spiritual and emotional freedom.

So I'll start off with this personal story because I'll never forget counseling sessions that Alan and I have and the healthy dialogue that we've had about power struggles in our marriage. And after all these years of pointing the finger at Alan, I had an aha moment one session, I realized I might be struggling with control.

I mean, who would have ever thought that? Definitely not me. Remember, in my mind, here I am thinking, I'm the prize. It's he that finds a wife that finds a good thing. So I'm not the problem. Now, I say that in a joking manner now, but that was a very important and hard lesson for me to learn. Why do we as women

feel like we have to be in control. And I've thought about this a lot for women and I think it comes down to a few things and I'll share just my top three things of why we struggle to let go sometimes.

first thing is perfectionism. I think as women, we think that if we can just get everything perfect, life will be smooth sailing.

But if you think about it, God doesn't call us to be perfect. He never has. He just calls us to trust Him.

see, for me, this perfectionism would show up in motherhood. the need to make sure that my kids were dressed a certain way was very unhealthy. Or not even just dressed a certain way. Really, I wanted to make sure they acted a certain way. They weren't being those kids who were acting up.

I didn't want to get calls home from the teacher saying that our kids did this. I wanted us to have the perfect family, which if I look back at that, it's really just a reflection that points back to me. But where does God get the glory in that? In us pretending to be this perfect family or for us to be perfect parents or for us to present our kids in a perfect way? Spoiler alert, and this is to the overly possessive parents.

Our children technically don't belong to us, at least not for forever. We were chosen to guide them. We were chosen to teach them the ways of the world. But nowhere does it say in this journey that we were chosen to make them perfect. so it's not supposed to because if our perfectionism manifested itself, there would be no need for God.

we would never submit to his will.

so, yes, I think perfectionism is one of the reasons that women struggle to let go. But another reason we struggle with control is anxiety and worry.

How many times have you tried to control things because you're simply just afraid of what will happen if you don't? I know I've been there, but control is linked to anxiety because anxiousness is rooted in one thing, and that's worry. I remember clinging to my job, even though I was stressed, even though I was burnt out, because I was truly terrified of losing financial stability.

I carried our family on our insurance. So yes, I was worried that we would not find insurance, even though there's so many options out there. I was also worried that if I stopped working and Alan lost his job or our ministry failed, then what would happen to our family? And then even to go deeper, I loved the life that we lived in suburbia. And I was worried that we would lose some of the luxuries that we had,

Like being in a safe neighborhood, great schools, all of these things are valid things to think about, but not to worry about. See, it wasn't until God stripped me from that that I learned to truly trust Him.

Matthew 625 says, not worry about your life, what you will eat, what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear.

Which leads me to the third reason we struggle to control, and that is really just a lack of trust.

Let's be real ladies. Sometimes we don't trust people to do things the way we would do it.

Or let's go deeper, we don't fully trust God to answer that prayer the way we thought he would.

But trusting God means believing that he's got it, even when we don't understand.

So ladies, do you see how these three things, whether it's perfection, worry, lack of trust, could make it hard for you to surrender or let go? All right, so we're not gonna spend all this time talking about why it's so hard to surrender. Obviously we know it is, but what do we do? How do we let go of things? How do we fully surrender so that we can live a life with freedom?

This is somewhat of a countercultural approach to look at surrender-driven success. I don't think the world celebrates success driven through surrender. I don't think the world celebrates women having success through healthy submission. I don't think the world celebrates women giving up control. Matter of fact, it's considered weak, at least in some parts of the world.

And so what are some ways that we can find freedom and fulfillment like never before through surrender? I the first way to do that is to identify idols.

idols is such a daunting word, I know. But idols aren't just statues or golden calves. They're anything we put above God. think about it. When life feels uncertain,

or our longings go unmet, it's really easy and comforting momentarily to grasp onto temporary fillers. For example, if only I had more money, or if only I had more friends. Thoughts like, if only I need more experiences, I need to travel more. I'm booking flights, not booking feelings. I mean, I'm saying that, but sometimes it's even us thinking that we need more achievements, more letters behind our name, more...

success stories, a bigger house, more fillers. and if we got all these things, we'd be happy, we'd be content, right? But this type of mentality can actually lead to idolatry. so here are a few examples of modern day idols that might surprise you, because when we say idols, people are like, I don't have any idols.

that I worship, but self isn't idle. We are self-obsessed people.

Another modern-day idol is success. I when your worth is tied to your achievements or your career, success could easily become an idol.

People pleasing is an idol, and that's when you prioritize the opinions of others over God's will for your life. And another modern-day idol is just material things, the house, the car, the perfect life that I talked about that I struggled so hard to let go of, not realizing that it was because those things had become idols. See, the reason I struggled during my first six months after I left my job

was because I truly had to rediscover who I was outside of this corporate woman, this successful woman, this boss babe woman that everyone praised. didn't realize how much I had made work, my status, my title, an idol. My worth was connected to how that job made me feel, not who God said I was. It might not be work for you, but this is true for

anything we make an idol. whatever we treasure more than God, and will become an idol. And these idols dull our spiritual hearing and harden our hearts to things of God.

God says, shall have no other gods before me. this doesn't necessarily just mean physical gods. It could be material things, things that we have created as idols in our life. So what in your life has slowly crept into becoming an idol? And if God took

that thing away, your job, your status, your class level, your car, Who would you be outside that status? that title

that you've elevated over who God says you are.

The second thing I want to encourage you as you are on this journey to finding freedom and fulfillment and surrender, and that is to understand your capacity.

I know there are famous songs and there's all these images in society that just praise women as being super women. Yes, we are. But first, you are human and we all have limits.

I was reading about new wine and old wine skin in the Bible and it's a parable that pretty much is a metaphor used by Jesus in the Bible to illustrate that new things require new approaches.

See, back in the day, people used animal skins like goatskin for storing liquids like wine. So fermented drinks, aka wine, expanded when it was put in the goatskin. And since old wineskin would already be stretched to its limit, then when there was new wine, if that new wine was put in the old wineskin, it would tear the seams.

And so Jesus uses this metaphor of the new wine and old wineskin to simply illustrate that he was doing something new and that people should really try not to make sense of it through the lens of old expectations.

In other words, where God is taking you in the next season, your current capacity, your current wineskin, it won't hold up, sis. The season that I am in now and the capacity that it takes for me to be present for my family and others would not, let me repeat, would not have worked when I was working 40 plus hours a week outside of the home. Actually, I tried it. I tried to do it all. I was working.

so many hours I was running a household, I was still trying to show up fully for my family, and guess what? I burned out. I felt God was calling me to show up for my family in a different way, and there was a shedding that needed to happen to make room for the new. Not new like flashy new, but

the new capacity that I needed to be present in this season.

because my old wine skin had reached its capacity.

And that may be the same for you. It's time to get new wineskin. be able to fully surrender to not only what God has for you, but where he's taking you. And finally, I want to encourage you to change your status in today's culture. There is

far too much, far too much of our worth as women that is connected to our status. Culture defines winning pretty much based on your status.

Your status as a mom, as a homeschool mom. If you're married, divorced, soccer mom, 40, maybe you're single, 40 or 30 and you're single, you're widowed. I mean, the list is just way too long. But these statuses are connected to what makes us feel like we are winning.

And yes, while I am Jennifer, I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a sister, I am all these things that I say in my intro, I'm God's child. I'm God's daughter. And that's the most important status. Why? Because I don't have to do anything to earn His love. You don't have to do anything to earn His acceptance or His grace. It's way less tiring than all these other titles or statuses that society puts on us.

Your value isn't tied to your achievements or your status or what others think of you. It's tied to whose you are, and that's God's beloved child. Jesus loved us so much

And freedom comes when we stop trying to meet the world's standards and start living for God's.

So as we close, what does surrender look like for you?

And what is God calling you to possibly lay down?

Remember, surrender is a posture. It's a posture of trust and faith that brings so much more peace. Surrender isn't about giving up. It's about giving it over to God. It leads to submission winning women and when you learn to relinquish control, it unlocks a healthier path to spiritual and emotional freedom.

And I pray that every woman listening experiences that in her life.

What has God put on your heart that you may need to rethink, reconsider, or even lay down so that He can take you where He is trying to take you to succeed, not what the world defines as success?

I know, I know as women we want to control more, but we are not in control of that diagnosis. We're not in control of that job or relationship failure. We're not even in control of our child's success. We contribute to it, but we can't control it. And that prayer that wasn't or hasn't been answered yet, we can't control that either. So surrender it.

I hope today's episode encouraged you to see surrender not as something to fear, as the key to freedom and fulfillment.

I'd love, I truly would love to hear what one thing that you are working on surrendering to God this week.

and I have one final ask. If you are enjoying these episodes, feel free to leave a review. Now, go win this week. Go make God proud. And finally, let it go. Let it go. my goodness. I will not close with that, but it is definitely a bye for now. Bye for now. And I will see you in the next episode.