Managing the Invisible Load - The Weight No One Sees

Jennifer Parr (: 00:00

Hey, friend, welcome back. I'm your host, Jennifer Parr. And today, yes, that is a big sigh. We're going to be talking about something that might put words to what you've been feeling lately. You know that moment. You may be feeling it right now when you crawl into bed or you just wake up and your body is already exhausted. But your mind won't stop. Your mind keeps going because you're running through your to-do list.

You're replying to conversations in your head. Maybe you forget to send the text, but you replied in your head. I do that all the time. You're thinking about everyone else's needs before you've even had a moment to think about your own. That right there is just a glimpse, just a glimpse of what many of you, including myself, may be feeling. And that's called the invisible load. It's the weight that so many of us women carry. So many of us carry the mental weight, the emotional weight, sometimes even the spiritual weight.

And most of it, nobody sees. And this invisible load is not just being carried by moms. If you're single, you don't have kids, you carry it too. And it's not that men don't feel this way, but as women, you're probably the glue that's holding a lot of things together, whether that's in your family, it's at your job. And that's why I think it hits women differently. That's why I wanted to do this episode today. And I want to help you with what I'm learning now during this season of carrying this invisible load and what I wish I had learned sooner.

And to help you process this, I've created a free tool called the invisible load inventory and we'll walk through it today in this episode. It's a gentle guide to help you slow down, reflect and begin to let go. So if you've been feeling overwhelmed lately, but you can't quite explain why you've been tired, but we're not talking about like a physical tired, then this episode is for you. Let's talk about the weight no one sees and the rest that your soul may be aching and craving for in this season.

So grab your coffee and let's go friend. Okay, so to begin, have you ever got the question? Hey, your name, how do you do it all? People used to ask me that all the time. They'd be like, Jennifer, how do you do it all? Being a wife, a mother of two young kids, a growing ministry, and now you launched a podcast? I know, right? Like I needed one more thing. Women, we're so good at that.

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But no, I get asked that question all the time. And you do too, because I think there's a perception that we are doing it all. You see, when I get asked that question, I'm not the kind of person who will give you that typical response. You may have given this response or you've heard this response before, but when someone asks you, how do you carry it all? You say, honey, I'm too blessed to be stressed. While that sounds cute, I am stressed. I am blessed, but I'm also stressed.

And the reality is I am not doing it all. At least not by my own strength. I quickly remind people that I struggle too. And I've gotten a lot better over the years. I actually did an episode on how to find balance in a busy world. You should check that out when you get a chance. when I say not by my own strength, it's because left up to me alone, I will fail. And by the time I'm apologizing to the whole house, I've realized I've been carrying a load that I didn't even realize I was carrying.

think that's why it's called invisible, the invisible load. The invisible load are all the things that we carry silently as women, whether that's keeping track of everyone's schedule, whether that's managing the emotional temperature of your home, or maybe you're that parent who's responsible for the appointments, the groceries, the prayer list. And remember, this invisible load is not just for mothers, but as women,

A lot of times we're carrying unspoken grief, unspoken expectations, anxiety. Maybe being the planner or even the peacemaker of the group can be a load that gets heavy. Here are four examples of the invisible load across different seasons of womanhood. Maybe you're a single woman and you're managing your career, but you're trying to also nurture your friendships. Making friends as an adult is really hard.

You're also showing up for your family. Maybe you serve at your church and you may still just be wondering, am I doing enough? See, you're carrying the weight of unfulfilled dreams and the quiet thoughts of wanting to be seen without having to explain your loneliness. I felt that when I was single, people kept asking me, Oh, so Jennifer, who are you dating now? And every time that question came up, it brought me so much anxiety. Maybe you're married, but you don't have kids and you're carrying the emotional weight in your marriage.

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You're the one that's kind of reading between the lines. You're supporting your husband's goals. You're also maybe absorbing his stress that he brings home. From the outside, others may assume that, she has it all together. But what they don't see are the waiting seasons. They don't see the silent prayers. They don't see the pressures to make the most of your time before kids come. Alan and I started our ministry the year that we got married. And at the time, it was just a YouTube channel.

He was in front the camera. I was kind of behind the camera directing and it took a lot of our time to record hours of footage just to cut down to like a five or six, seven minute video to post on YouTube. We had all the time in the world, but even in that season, I was carrying the invisible weight of a lot of different things. I was working outside the home and I was commuting about two hours to work. I was spending a lot of time just thinking about our future and

what our life would look like if we were to grow our family. Alan was a teacher and I worked in the educational system. And so we were just looking at our finances. We were also looking at the debt from our wedding and just how we were going to build this life. And I tell you, that is a weight that nobody sees. Maybe you're a mom, and these are for moms of any stages, and you're constantly multitasking. You're constantly feeding, you're guiding, you're nurturing, you're staying about three steps ahead of your children's needs.

Our daughter had tennis practice the other day and I told her to grab her hat. She didn't think she needed it, but I had looked at the weather and I knew that the sun was going to come out. And by the time she was going to get on that court, it was going to be beaming. She didn't grab it, of course, so I grabbed it for her. That's that being three steps ahead of your child's needs. We get out to the tennis court and the sun is out full blazing. I mean, she couldn't even see the ball if she tossed it up. So guess who stuck their hand in their purse?

and grab the hat that I told her to get. That's our superpower of being three steps ahead of our children's needs and sometimes our husband's needs. The physical exhaustion, my gosh, is so real. But I think the mental exhaustion is even deeper. And even sometimes you may feel the pull to be fully present at home and productive outside of the home. To raise children who love Jesus while not losing their own identity in the process. And then finally,

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Another group of women that I think get overlooked quite often in this area of carrying the invisible load are older women. Maybe they're empty nesters or they're grandmothers, but your kids may be grown, but the invisible load still hasn't disappeared. I think it's just shifted. Now the concern is different. Maybe you have concern for your adult children and silent prayers for them. Maybe it's quite grief over changing friendships, their relationships.

or the weight that you're carrying as an aging parent. See, you carry the legacy of wisdom. You're mentoring others. You're showing up faithfully. But inside, maybe you're still processing loss. You're processing your health. And it's a slower pace that maybe you didn't ask for or you weren't prepared for. No matter what stage of womanhood you are in, this load that you're carrying

This load that nobody sees, but you feel so desperately. This though that I feel right now, just because we're going into the summer months. And while I feel like I've planned everything, I still feel this burden. And this is where one of my favorite scriptures reminds me that we were never meant to carry this burden alone. Psalms 55 22 says, cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.

Not you will sustain yourself, but he will sustain you. See, when the burden gets heavy, we're supposed to release it. Now, I don't know about you, but most of the time, I don't even realize how much I'm carrying until it's too late. And so here are four signs that I've learned over the years that I may be carrying an invisible load and what it looks like depending on the season that you're in. We'll call this red flags for the invisible load.

The first is that you're constantly mentally tired, even though you haven't done much. And I call this mental exhaustion without physical activity because ever since finding a sport, having an outlet, having something to do that's a physical activity, it actually has helped me release a lot of the stress that came with this invisible load. I love tennis. I don't know what sport it is for you. I know some people like pickleball, some people like Pilates, some people like gardening, whatever it is.

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Think about something that you can add to your routine that will give you some physical activity and maybe challenge you in a healthy way without putting too much stress on you. All right. The next red flag or a sign that you may be carrying in a visible load is that you feel resentful, but you really can't pinpoint why you feel that way. Sometimes this is like a quiet frustration that's building inside. It may be silently building towards your spouse.

Maybe it's the quiet frustration building towards your coworkers. Sometimes it's even your kids. Let's be real parents. And another area that a lot of people don't talk about where quiet frustration can build is in your church, especially if you serve and you're a volunteer. It's a struggle that's hard to articulate and it may not be one big thing. It just feels like it's everything. The third sign that you may be carrying an invisible load is you struggle to rest without feeling guilty.

my gosh, mommy guilt is real, but I used to struggle to rest. I remember when our kids were young, so many wise moms would tell me, hey, when your child sleeps, you sleep. no, not me. That's when I would try to do everything because I felt so behind in my tasks and my chores and all the things that I said I was going to do. It's that feeling that when you finally sit down, even though you know this may be good time to take a nap.

Or this may be good time not to scroll on social media, but just relax. You can't. Because there's always something else that could be done. And then what happens is that you feel guilty for resting when the load hasn't been lightened. It's almost like rest feels like a luxury that we haven't earned yet as women. Even though, spoiler alert, God calls rest a gift. okay.

And the fourth red flag or the fourth sign that you may be carrying an invisible load is that you minimize your own needs because others need you more. That means that you push your emotions aside because someone else has it harder or someone else is going through something and they need you right now. I know that I feel like I carry the weight of a lot of my friends problems, but none of them asked me to. I'm just a very empathetic person and I am that friend who

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will listen to you, will pray for you. And I don't realize it sometimes, but I take on that weight myself. I think it's important to think about these red flags because once again, this is an invisible load. So if you're not aware of how it ends up getting so heavy, then look out for those four red flags before it snowballs. I think about Mary and Martha in the Bible and their story is found in Luke 10. It starts in verse 38. And I'm going to read it really quick because something stood out to me this time.

When I read it, verse 38 says, Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. So just think about this. You have some guests coming over to your house and you're just getting your place ready. Every woman knows the stress that goes into getting the house ready before guests comes over. Verse 39 says that her sister, Mary sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha.

was distracted by the big dinner that she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come help me. Now, I recommend that you read the rest of the story, but there is a Martha in all of us. Whenever we are preparing to host and we're going through that stressful time of just cleaning the house and getting it ready, I notice that in those moments, I tend to look at what my husband is not doing.

I tend to get upset all over again that the house is even this dirty because the kids didn't clean up. I start to point the finger just like Martha did. And this was just a reminder that this load doesn't always start heavy, but it just slowly snowballs. And the next thing you know, we're just carrying something that is just bigger than what we were ever meant to carry. All right, so this is my favorite part of the episode because...

We've unpacked a lot. We've talked about what the invisible load is, and we've even looked at women in the Bible like Martha, who probably was carrying something very similar, and Jesus called it out on her. Thank God for Jesus. I'm grateful for my friends who have called out when I have been carrying something that I don't even know that I'm carrying. But honestly, that is what helped me create this tool, which is the invisible load inventory. And I want to walk you through something that I created during a time

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that I was struggling. See, a lot of you know that I was working a very successful corporate job outside of the home while we had two kids under the age of two. And I chose to give that up to come home to be a better wife, a better mom, and just a better person in general. My capacity was tapped. But see, one thing that I did that I haven't talked a lot about was that I traded one invisible load.

which was the stress that came with working over 40 hours outside of the home. And I traded it for a different kind of stress. It was an emotional stress. And it led me to carrying even a heavier burden. See, I traded one burden for another burden. I think there's a misconception sometimes that when women come home or they choose to leave work that life is supposed to be easier, but we can easily trade one burden for the other. And that is what I did. And so this checklist is an invitation.

for you to pause and to look at what you are carrying and how you can surrender it. If you're listening while driving or folding laundry, no worries, you can come back to this later, but you can also download this invisible load checklist. And I pray that it helps you just as much as it helped me during my season. But for now, let me just walk you through the four sections, easy sections that will help you.

with this invisible load and take an inventory on how you can lay it down. So the first step is what I call taking the internal and making it external. It's identifying what exactly we're carrying. We discussed Martha in the Bible and how Jesus called her out. And sometimes we have friends or we have a spouse who will call it out, but

If that's not the case, I think it's important for us to be able to see what we are carrying, to see why we are feeling the way that we're feeling. So the first section invites you simply to take inventory, to take what is internal and make it external, to write it down and without judgment. And I mean all of it. Start by asking yourself, what do I constantly keep track of that no one else seems to notice? What decisions am I quietly making day after day?

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Or where do you feel emotionally responsible? Even if no one has said it out loud, like no one has given you that responsibility, but you feel emotionally responsible. Sometimes it's those invisible responsibilities like keeping up with the household or just maintaining your family traditions, unseen daily decisions. Decisions can carry a lot of emotional weight. And so I want you to just take inventory and take some time and just write it all down. Write down what

you are caring. And you may be surprised by your answers. There are some things that you may be caring that you didn't even realize you were caring. The next step is what can you surrender? So we're going to look back at this list, and I hope you have more than one or two things written down. And when you look back at this list, you want to look at what you may be holding onto that isn't meant for you to hold onto.

Psalm: 5522

I truly want you to look back at your list and identify what can you surrender. And you'll do that by just marking an S right next to it. So step three is what can you delegate? See, delegation is not weakness. It's actually wisdom. Whether it's asking for help or having honest conversations or just letting go of those unrealistic expectations. Because when you do that, you'll be able to delegate. I know this is hard for us women, but hear me with love.

I promise you, I'll say it again, delegation is not weakness. It's actually wisdom. We hold on to things because we think we should or we're afraid that someone else won't do it the same way. So for this step, just ask yourself, what could I share or ask for help if I wasn't afraid of being judged? And where am I doing too much? Like, where are you doing too much because you feel like you have to prove something? Oftentimes, those are the areas that we actually need to delegate.

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And so when you've identified that, you see any of those things in your list, just mark a D next to it. And the final step is what do I need to bring to God? See, this was one of the hardest steps for me because some things aren't meant to be surrendered or delegated immediately. They're meant to be processed with God. They're meant to be brought into His presence, one prayer at a time. These are the things that you may still feel unsure about.

For me, this was an area about whether or not we should grow our family. I've had other areas where I just need clarity. I need healing. I need wisdom. I need peace. I can't delegate that, and I can't just give that up. But I hold onto it, and I lay it at the feet of Jesus. For this step, this may take a little bit more reflection time. Look at your list and identify the situation that you can't control. The prayer that maybe hasn't been answered yet.

or that thing that you're still wrestling with and label those with a P for prayer because that is what you'll need to bring to God. It's almost like saying, God, I don't know what to do with this, but I trust you. And by the time you look back at your list, there should be either an S for what you can surrender, meaning what you can give up, a D identifying what you can delegate, or a P, which is what you can pray about, what you can bring to God.

And then I would recommend that you just ask God for one small intentional next step. And that could be asking God, what do you want me to do with what I've uncovered today? Because I know you've uncovered a lot. You came into this episode carrying a lot. And so maybe that's talk to a friend or a mentor or ask for help in one area. Maybe it's make a list of boundaries that you need to set with certain people in your life. Maybe it's spend 10 minutes daily in rest or spend more time with God.

Or maybe it's letting go of unrealistic expectations. Whatever that is, there's a checklist that you can simply check and just pray about. Let's pray together. Lord, thank you for seeing what no one else does. You know the thoughts that swirl in our mind and the weight that we silently carry. You are not a distant God and you are so near to us even when we are overwhelmed and we push you away. Lord, help us to name the invisible load.

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Help us to surrender that weight that we were never meant to carry and trust you with the things that we simply can't control. And Lord teach us to walk in step with you, not with pressure or performance by the world, but teach us to find rest, to find strength, to find freedom in your presence and in your presence alone. In Jesus name we pray. Amen. If today's episode spoke to your heart, I hope that you share it with a friend.

And not just this episode, share the Invisible Download Inventory checklist with them. This blessed me during a time that I was struggling. And so you can grab that at jenniferparr.com, but you can also click the show notes and there'll be a direct link there. It's there to support you. It's there for your quiet time and it's there to help you release what's weighing you down. But when you lay it down, don't lay it down on other people.

Rested at the feet of Jesus. We're not called to just keep going and carry this load alone. We're called to surrender it and surrender our way into peace. So I'm cheering you on this week. Go win and make God proud. Bye for now.