When Work Starts Costing You What Matters Most

Jennifer Parr (: 00:00

Welcome back to the Winning Women podcast. Today, I want to take you through my own journey of stepping away from a job that I love. When you have to step away from something that you love, it is hard. But today, I actually want to walk you through what that journey looked like for me. In case you're in a season where you are wondering, is working too much hurting my family? We're going to look at scripture and see what it actually says about women being keepers of the home.

And if you're a single mom and you don't have help, then yes, you can be a keeper of your home too. I'll also share some practical ways. You know, I love to give you all just practical things, ways that you can align your work and family so that your home gets the best of you and not what's left of you. I was thriving in my career. Yes, checked off all the boxes like on paper, my resume. it was nice.

I was also climbing the corporate ladders, but at the same time, something quiet was breaking at my home. And I don't think a lot of women share this side of the hustle. A lot of women don't share this side of the boss babe culture and how something has to give. For me, it was my home life. The kicker y'all was Mother's Day. Our kids were young and you know how they bring these activities home where it's like about my mom or

They put these activities together where they're trying to describe their mom. And I'll never forget there was prompts that they had to answer. Like, what's your mom's favorite color? What's your mom's favorite thing to do? What does your mom do in her spare time? Or what is your favorite food that your mom makes? And I'll never forget when I opened it up for Mother's Day and the prompt that said, what is your mom's favorite thing to do? They had both filled out work. Work.

Like that was a gut punch. Yes, my friend had told me that I could have been a better friend. And I know that my parents who are both still living probably didn't hear from me much during that season. But when your kids come home and you see that in their mind, in their perception, they think that your favorite thing to do is work, I knew that something had to change. Mamas, our kids really do need us.

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By the time your child turns 18, you've already spent 95 % of your face-to-face time with them. All the rest of the years put together, like college visits, holidays, the occasional dinners here and their makeup, about 5%, but that's it. Our kids really do need us. And I think that deep down, we know that. And if we're honest, so many of us are stretched thin by work. So many of us are stretched thin by responsibilities and expectations. And I know...

was, I promise you, I get it. And so you may be in a similar season, you may be asking yourself the same question. Maybe you're working long hours at your corporate job. Maybe your laptop literally follows you everywhere, like to the kitchen, to the soccer game. You have to work. I get it. But this is not just for working moms. You could be a stay at home mom who feels just as stretched because you're carrying everyone's load. So

I just want you to that wherever you are, whatever prompted you to tune into this episode, if you feel that tension of working so much that your family is suffering, you are in the right place, friend. I promise you, you are in right place. So let's go ahead and start. Let's go ahead and dive in. So how did I get here? How did I get to the point where I felt comfortable to leave my job? How did you get to where you are right now, where you are wrestling with, what does my capacity, my time look like? Well, I want to be honest.

I did not want to leave my job. So I went to school for communications and I absolutely, absolutely love communicating. Actually, I really wanted to be a journalist. That door closed, actually really never opened, but my love for communications was just deeply rooted. think it started growing up in Nigeria, coming to the United States at the age of five and just really learning.

the English language and learning how to communicate with people, people that didn't look like me, people that didn't sound like me. It just became a part of my life. So when I graduated college, my first job was not in communications. It was actually in sales and I did well. I learned about customer service, but I was like, man, I just, don't like this. And then I went into education. I was not an educator, but I still worked in the school system. So I was working with people and having to use my gift of communication, but it still wasn't my dream job.

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And it wasn't until a company relocated from California to Texas, they moved their headquarters. Well, it was Toyota, their North America headquarters, a phenomenal company. And I loved working there. But what I didn't share with y'all is that our kids were one and two years old. Maybe they were two and three. I don't remember, but they were young. They were so young. And mamas that have young kids, you know how tiring that season is. So I had just got this job that I love.

But at home, my patience was so short. My energy was gone when I got home. Alan and I used to get in so many arguments about like, who's going to pick the kids up? And whenever we picked the kids up, they were always the last ones at daycare because I was literally rushing from work. And at the same time, our ministry was growing. We had a math tutoring business and we started the YouTube channel. So we were all just tapped out, literally tapped out. So you may be thinking, why?

Like, why are you both working so hard? Well, we had to. We had to. I never want to paint this picture that stepping away from a job is easy to do because it means a two income home is going down to a one income home. So, yes, I held on to my job because it provided financially for our family. Yes, I held on to my job because the entire family was covered on our insurance. Yes, I held on to my job because

Yes, I held on to my job because I did get a firm there more than I did get a firm at home. Yes, I said it. So yes, while I love my job, the people I loved more were paying the price. And that's where I want to pause and share that if you are trying to realign your work and family life, the first tip that I would recommend is to evaluate your capacity.

I mean, I've said it before, women, just because we can do it all does not mean that we need to, or doesn't mean that we have to do it in this season. What is your capacity? Remember, everyone gets the same 24 hours in a day, but how are you using yours? That's what really matters. And sometimes it's hard to evaluate something about yourself. So if someone close to you, let's say your spouse or your kids, or even your best friend, if they were asked to describe you right now,

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What would they say? You can get a sense of this when people are talking to you and they lead, I know you're busy or hey, sorry to bother you or hey, my apologies, I know you've got a lot going on. When people start to lead with that type of language when they're speaking either of you or to you, you may want to check your capacity.

And here are three simple questions just to ask yourself. Like spiritually, how is your spiritual capacity? Like, do you still have the margin to meet with God or are you squeezing him into your leftover minutes? Or like emotionally, like are you carrying stress from your job straight into your home? I know I was like, it was easy for me to work outside of the home, but during the pandemic when I had to work from home, that was harder because I couldn't just leave my work outside of the house. It was around me.

It was there. The kids saw me with my laptop all the time. It followed me in the kitchen. It followed me when I was playing with them. It was just I was always working. Are your loved ones getting the best of you or are they getting like your leftover crumbs? Honestly, Alan was getting my leftovers and it was not fair to him. Couples who are married that have kids under the age of five, it is a blessing and children are a blessing. But that season does require a lot either out of the mother or the father.

And you can give so much to your children that you forget to give to your spouse. You forget to serve them. And if I'm being honest, Alan got my leftovers. Like he never verbally said, Hey, babe, I think I'm getting your leftovers. But I know that I wasn't giving him as much attention, as much love, as much intentionality as I was when we were dating. I mean, it's just, it's just the fact. It's just the reality. So I want you to be honest with yourself here.

Seriously, be honest with yourself. And if you're brave enough, ask someone that you trust. Like ask them, how are you experiencing me right now? What type of sister am I? What type of friend am I? What type of wife am I? And I know it's not easy to hear, but sometimes their answer is the mirror that you've been avoiding. Now, let me stop here for a moment because I know that there are women that are listening that will say, Jennifer, I have to work. I don't have the luxury.

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or I don't have the choice to not work. And that's real. Remember I told you that I worked so hard because we had to, we had bills to pay, we just, we had to. But the question that I want you to wrestle with a little bit is what is that work costing you spiritually, emotionally, and relationally? Like there's a price to that. Because when a mother carries too much stress and overload,

It doesn't stay in a vacuum like it literally spills over. It affects everyone. I mean, this isn't to shame you, but it's to help you to see that capacity isn't just a personal matter. Sometimes it's not really tangible, but when you're operating at your max capacity, it has ripple effects on your children. It can have ripple effects on your marriage and your spiritual life. So as you evaluate your capacity, a simple prayer could be, Lord, help me line up my capacity with what you've

called me to in this season. And as you think of all those things that you feel called to in this season, just ask yourself, what's the true cost of that work right now? So as I was evaluating my capacity, I wasn't really ready to give up what was taking up most of my time. Instead, I pointed the finger. I almost made it feel like having children was a burden. I started to make it feel like, if my husband would do more around the house and I wouldn't have to do so much.

Y'all, this is where scripture confronted me. And Titus 2, 4 through 5 met me front and center. So this is the scripture that says, are to love their husbands and their children to be self-controlled, to be pure and to be busy at home. Hmm. Busy at home? Like, what does that mean? And I got to be honest, y'all, like when I was in this space, this tension-filled space of just trying to

juggle all the things and evaluate my capacity. I stayed away from verses like this because I thought they meant that I had to quit everything, wear long dresses and just bake bread all day. Now, I do love sourdough. I love baking bread now. I didn't have time to do it in this season, but now I do. But I say that to say that maybe you are there too. Like these verses that you hear that it says women should be busy at home. These verses,

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may shake things up a little bit for you. These verses may feel like you're put in a box, but I want to give you some background to what exactly this verse means. So Paul wrote this letter to Titus while Titus was leading a church on the island. I think the island was called Crete. I'm not sure if I said that right, but the island wasn't exactly known for being like the most godly in culture. So when Paul gives instructions in Titus, especially in chapter two, he's

trying to help believers stand out in this messy culture, like this messy world that they live in. Doesn't that sound familiar? Do know that when I was grinding at my job, trying to be a good mom, just trying to do everything, the advice that I got from the world, even from my coworkers, even some friends, they were like, well, Alan needs to step up more, or he needs to do this, and he needs to do that. And I was thinking, how do you know that he's not already doing his best? Like,

We are both doing the best that we can, but the advice that I got was almost like, well, he's the problem, or the kids are a burden, or why would you want to have another child? And I think that's the world that we live in. Like, it almost makes it seem like the burden is at home, right? But see, in Titus, Paul explains what godly living looks like in everyday life. So for women, when he gets to verse four through five and he says,

train up the young women to love their husbands and their children and be self-controlled and be pure and get this and work at home, be kind, be submissive to your husbands so that the word of God may not be reviled. Like as I dug deeper, I began to see that Paul wasn't banning women from working. I know when you read that, it's easy to focus on that and think like, well, does that mean that I have to work at home only or?

not have a job and just work in the home? No. I think he was affirming the value and the centrality of the home life, which in this season that I explained to y'all, it was lacking in mine. So think about your home. Do your kids see you always working? Do your kids always see you with your phone in your hand creating content, which if you're a content creator, I understand that, but it's still work.

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And I think what Paul is saying here is that our homes matter deeply to God. And being the keeper of your home, being the guardian of your home doesn't mean that you can't work outside of it. It just means that you evaluate your capacity and make sure that your first assignment, your first assignment, the priority is your family, your marriage, your children. So whether you're a single mama and you're holding it down or you're a working woman and you're choosing

Just to be faithful in this demanding season, I want you to take heart. You're not disqualified from being a keeper of your home, but steward what you have and truly seek wisdom and trust God. Only God can really multiply the moments. Like when I look back at the 202 stage, people ask me, my gosh Jennifer, how'd y'all do it? Honestly, I do not know. It was rough. I feel like that season was just like a blur in my life. I know in those moments when I felt like

This is not the life I signed up for. God comforted me. And that's exactly where I had to start. Like I had to face the fact that I was giving everyone outside of my home the best of me and my family was getting my leftovers, but I wasn't even spending time with God. God couldn't even convict me if he tried because I was so distant from him. So don't let the most important assignment that God has given you, which is loving your family, guarding your home, get lost in the shuffle.

So now, yes, I'm still working. I'm trying to evaluate my capacity and my marriage is now starting to suffer. And when I say suffer, Alan and I love each other so much, but in this season, I was not attentive to his needs. I was barely attentive to my needs. People would come over and you could feel the tension in our home. And my husband is just the sweetest. Like he's not the kind of person who will tear you down. He's not the kind of person who would just pick you apart.

He will just like observe and then he's just very intentional and how he speaks and what he brings up and what he doesn't bring up. And he tried to tell me in the most loving way, like, babe, I think you need to get some more sleep or hey, babe, we haven't been on a date night in a while or hey, babe, I know you used to love getting your hair and your nails done. You haven't done that in a while. And y'all, he is a hands on dad. He's a hands on husband. We did not have a rhythm in our home where it was like, I do the dishes and he does this like.

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We just pitched in, we just helped out where we needed, but I'll be honest, like it was just rough and it wasn't fair for him to get my leftovers. So you would think that after all this, it would be clear that I need to leave my job. Nope. Y'all not only did I hold onto that job, but guess what? I got a promotion. Yep. That is why I say that not everything that you think is good is from God.

And this is where prayer comes in, because if you're trying to reevaluate if working too much is hurting your family, you have to pray for wisdom. James 1.5 says that if any of you lack wisdom, you should ask God who gives it generously. So all without finding fault and it will be given to you. And I think that it's wise to ask God for wisdom in certain areas. I will never tell you just get up and leave your job. I will say pray for wisdom in this area.

I will never tell you, just get up and leave your husband because you're stressed in this season, but I will encourage you to pray for wisdom and wisdom to discern whether you're supposed to keep pressing on in that job or pressing on in that thing that is keeping you busy, pressing on in the areas that are keeping you distracted. Pray for wisdom and whether God is calling you to release those things. Sometimes you truly are choosing between what's good and what's best.

So think about the opportunities that you may have in front of you. Think about the opportunities that you're thinking about doing. And is this opportunity going to draw you closer to God's priorities or is it going to pull you away? Yes, your boss may believe in you and want to give you that promotion to help the company. But what is that going to do to your family? What will it cost of you at home? What will it cost for your marriage? And what's the cost for your kids? And I know what makes it hard to say no to that promotion.

is because it looks good on paper or you feel like it will help propel you to that next level. You may need the money and you're like, I really need this promotion. I really need that extra gig. I really need that extra fill in the blank. But is that what God has for you in this season? So just take a moment and maybe this is a good time just to pray and ask God to give you wisdom. And that leads me to another tip that I want to share and that is setting

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boundaries. after I finally felt like God had my attention and he had made it clear what was taking up most of my time, I knew what I had to do. See, I loved saying that I worked for this company. I loved saying that I had a job. I loved saying that I was one of the local hires. I loved saying my title and watching the reaction on people's faces when they found out what I did. And if I walked away from it, who would I be?

I know that sounds like a silly question, the thing that you love, whether it's a car, whether it's your job, whether it's that company you built up, whether it's your status, but if God took that away, who would you be? Sometimes our worth is connected to our marriage status. I'm married to so-and-so, or sometimes it's connected to I'm a homeschooler, or I'm this, I'm that. Wow, those are great.

They do not define you. Your worth should not be connected to those things. So when you realize that it is time to set some healthy boundaries, let your yeses be yes and let your no's be no. That comes actually straight from Matthew 5 37. And that verse kind of became a guardrail for me because the truth is every time I would say yes to something, something outside of my home, then I was indirectly saying no to something inside of my home. And it wasn't easy.

Like, y'all, this wasn't something that I figured out overnight, but saying no to your boss, saying no to opportunities, even saying no to extra church commitments, extra volunteer commitments that are good, they stretch you. But boundaries aren't about shutting people out, but they're about protecting what matters most. And now I had to set a boundary to protect what mattered the most to me. And that was my marriage, my family, and my health.

So as you think about your life, where do you need to set some healthy boundaries? Is it your boss? Is it working after hours? Is it putting in the extra work? Is it picking up that extra gig just to make a little bit more money? Yes, that gig will give you more money, but what if you said no? You could buy your time back. What would your evenings look like if you guarded that time? Guarded it so sacred for your family.

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So I would encourage you to write down where you need to let your no be no so that you can give your best yes to your home. And so the tips are evaluate your capacity, pray for wisdom, set boundaries, set healthy boundaries. And after that, it's time to now reframe what work looks like. Now, I know that feels like a big step, like how do I now just make the decision and I reframe what work looks like?

It's not that easy. Y'all after I decided to leave my job and when I tell you that decision was so hard because even when God made it clear to me when I was laying in bed that night, it still took me a whole year, a whole year to leave that job. So I'm just sharing that so that it wasn't just aha moment and the clouds opened up and all of sudden I was like, I know what to do now and I need to go do that. Y'all know I am so stubborn.

God can make something so clear and I was so stubborn and I came up with every single excuse. Still, it took me a whole year to finally submit my letter of resignation. But when I stepped away, I began to see work differently. Work is good. God designed it from the very beginning, but it's not supposed to be your identity. It's meant to be an act of service, not your source of worth.

I think of the Proverbs woman, and Proverbs 31-27 says she watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Like, this woman worked. She worked inside and outside of her home. But her work was always tied to stewardship, not status. Y'all, my kids didn't come home from school and praise me like I got praised at my job. My husband didn't always affirm me like I got affirmed at my job. So

It was hard because I was still looking for that same feeling, that same euphoria that I got from my job at home. But if you do that, you're missing the mark because it's not your family's job to remind you of your worth. Only God can do that. Perhaps the reason that you could be struggling with this decision is because have you tied your identity to your job or your title? And if God removed it, who would you be?

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Like, do you believe that your worth comes from what you produce or who you are in Christ? And y'all, I hated the question of, what do you do? Like, after I left my job and I would go out, people would ask me, so what do you do? I come from a lineage, a lineage of women who work so hard, held high titles, and here I am now, not working? Like, that felt so weird to me.

But this is what it looks like to reframe work. Yes, I was still working. Matter of fact, I feel like I was working a lot more now that I had left my job because y'all, my gosh, the kids, husband, housework, everything. It was so much. But as a keeper of my home, I felt called. And I felt like I shifted the atmosphere in our home by my presence alone.

So now this doesn't mean that you have to quit working to shift the atmosphere in your home, but if a tapped out capacity is not letting you do that, it's just time to reevaluate what work looks like. And y'all, this makes me so emotional, but a few years ago, Mother's Day came around again and our kids had put together something about their mom, me. And for the first time in maybe three or four years, when they asked, what is your mom's favorite thing to do?

I will never forget that Micah said, play with me. And our daughters had something along the lines like read with me or cook for me, but it wasn't work. Their perspective of me had shifted. The environment in our home had shifted. That tension that was there before was no longer there. Now, was I stressed? Yeah, until I got the rhythm of things, but I felt like the legacy that I was leaving for my family

was way more impactful than the impact that I was making at my job. And I made a lot of impact at that company. So after you reframe what work looks like, you're gonna need community. I leaned on community. I created new community. I got to know a lot of moms who were in similar situations or were homeschooling. And we became a sense of community for each other. See Titus too paints such a clear picture of this. Older women teaching younger women.

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Women mentoring and encouraging other. We weren't meant to figure this out alone, ladies. Community is so, so important. So think about the people around you. Do you have a friend? Do you have a mentor who can lovingly, lovingly hold up a mirror where you can't see it clearly for yourself? And so as we close, remember, there is no biblical mandate that forces women to stay inside the home.

But if you have children, just remember that by the time your child turns 18, you've already spent 95 % of your face-to-face time with them. So this isn't about guilt. I'm not here to guilt you. I'm not here to shame you. But this is really about grace. If you feel the weight of imbalance in your life, I don't think that's God condemning you. I think that he's inviting you to something better. Now, when I say better, I don't mean easier.

Leaving my job meant that we were choosing as a family to go down to a one-income home. That's not easy at all. There were a lot of sacrifices that had to be made. But when I look at our ministry now and the growth that has happened only by the grace of God, I look at our kids and how they are thriving outside the home and inside the home only by the grace of God. I look at my marriage and how it's in a healthy, healthy, healthy season.

Only by the grace of God. See, God sees you and this message is not meant to burden you, but I really want to remind you that even if you can't change your work situation right now, you can still evaluate your capacity and invite God into it. And maybe you do need to change your work situation. Maybe you're holding on to something because of pride or holding on to something because of status.

Don't let pride, independence, or other reasons to be the reason that your family is suffering. Do not neglect what is inside your home. And if you're married, my gosh, married women, remember that when identity comes from your job or anything that keeps you too busy, your husband and your kids are going to get your crumbs. So you don't have to do it all. You seriously don't have to do it all. You don't have to be everything to everyone.

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What you do need is wisdom, what you do need is boundaries and reminders like Titus 2, 4 through 5 that just reminds us that being the keeper of the home is not about comparison, but it's about stewardship. And that's for single mamas too. You're not disqualified from being a keeper of the home because you don't have a spouse. Steward what you do have, seek his wisdom.

and trust him to multiply the moments and align your capacity up with what he's called you to in this season. Let's pray. Father, thank you for every woman listening today. You know the weight that she's carrying and the pace that she's keeping. Lord, you know when her capacity is stretched thin and when her family is feeling the strain of that. Lord, I pray that you gently show her, gently show her what she can carry in this season.

and give her the courage, give her the boldness, give her the faith and the trust to lay down what isn't serving her home, what isn't serving her health or her calling from you. And for the woman who feels torn between opportunities, Father, I just pray that you give her peace, give her peace to step away if she needs to and trust that you and only you will provide. You hold every unknown because you are faithful, Lord. You are so faithful.

and will guide her steps. So Father, replace her fear with faith. Replace her striving with true surrender and Lord, her exhaustion with your rest. We trust you Lord. We trust you with our homes. We trust you with our families and we trust you with our future and our legacies Lord. And bless it in Jesus name we pray. Amen. Go win this week and make God proud. Bye for now.